faith, grief, loss, miscarriage, twin loss, Willow Hope

Letters

My sweet Willow Hope,
It has been two months since I learned that you had gone to heaven and I would never get to hold you in my arms here on this earth. Your mommy’s heart has never been so shattered. For awhile, I was in denial. I kept thinking that there was still a chance that at the next ultrasound you would be there, heartbeat strong, next to your sister. When the ultrasound came around we saw you, but you were so much smaller and infinitely more still than your wiggling twin. I had to accept that we had truly lost you and start to figure out how I would pick up the pieces and heal.
The first thing I wanted to do was make sure that you would be remembered. Even though I only carried you for 11 short weeks, you will always be my child and a part of our family. I decided that you should have a name. Because it was too early for a gender ultrasound, your dad and I don’t know if you were a boy or a girl. We looked at gender neutral names, but nothing seemed to fit. Then your aunties, my amazing friends, gave our family a gift to help us remember you. They brought a willow tree that we could plant in your memory. Out of that precious gift, your name was born. Willow. Your middle name, Hope, was a selfish choice on my part. I wanted part of your name to always remind me of the hope that we have in Christ. The hope that I have that I will someday meet you in heaven and get to hold you in my arms. So you were named, Willow Hope Filcik. Though we still don’t know if you were a boy or girl, I find myself thinking of you as my tiny daughter. Now you had a name, and a tree that we will plant in the spring to remember you. Your Aunt Lauren took me out to choose a special box to contain all the things tied to you. In it I have kept your first, second, and final ultrasound pictures. Every card that was given to our family to mourn your loss is in that box. I will print out the pictures that we took of your big sister and brother announcing the news of our twins and put those in the box as well. Your big sister Zoe made you a card. She wrote “To: Willow Hope, Love, Zoe. Hope you keep safe Willow Hope. Please, please, please keep safe. Don’t be afraid cause God is there.” That precious card is in the box. Though you grew inside me for such a short time, you will forever be remembered and a special part of our family.
Now, two months later, my heart still aches when I think of you. However, the picture that I hold in my mind of my heavenly father holding you in His arms comforts me. He knows all too well the loss of a child, and I know that He holds you and He holds me too. We are together in that small way. I mourn the lost chances… that I will never hold your tiny body to my heart, never kiss your chubby cheeks, never watch you grow and learn, never see how you interact with your twin, Zoe, and Eli. I will instead hope… hope for the day that God brings me home and I will be with you there.
I love you to heaven and back,
Mommy

 

My precious baby girl,
​     I think that every once in awhile I’m starting to feel you move inside of me. Every time we have seen you on an ultrasound, you are always moving around like crazy! You are already so full of energy and life.  It amazes me every time I see you. The first ultrasound we had after we found out that we lost your twin, you seemed so determined to show your dad and I that you were still there. You even waved at us. The joy that brought me was immense even as I cried tears of sadness to see your sister so still. You are teaching me, sweet girl, that joy and grief can live alongside each other. One does not take away from the other.
You are safe and warm inside me. You know nothing of this world. You don’t know that you lay beside your twin who you will never meet. You don’t know that my heart has been broken over her loss. All you know is your warm cocoon. How I wish you could always stay ignorant of pain and loss.
Baby girl, I am so very thankful that you continue to grow strong and healthy inside of me. I will never get to hold you with your twin, but I will get to hold YOU. I will get to snuggle your soft warm body against my chest and smell your sweet baby smell. I will get to kiss you cheeks and watch you grow. I will get to see you interact with Zoe and Eli. My sweet daughter, I want you to know how very loved you are. That your existence is a miracle to me. That even though I grieve your lost sister, it doesn’t take away from the love I have for you. I can’t wait to meet you my precious girl.
I love you every moment of the day,
​Mommy

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