Can I be honest here? One of the hardest things about the journey I find myself on is trying to reconcile the immense grief I have over the loss of our precious baby, with the fact that I am still carrying a healthy little girl. My belly is expanding (perhaps a bit more rapidly than I’d like!) and I continue to experience all the lovely symptoms of pregnancy like morning sickness (I’d like to have a word with whoever coined that term… it was probably a man) and exhaustion. All the signs of a growing baby that I will hold in my arms in a few short months. But the joy that I have always felt when imagining my babies being born is just not there right now. When I picture this little girl’s birth, I can’t help but compare it to the picture I once had. Holding two tiny miracles in my arms. Watching two babies interact and grow together. And that aches. Overwhelmingly. And then my wonderful friend guilt creeps in. What kind of a mother am I that I can’t anticipate this little one’s arrival with excitement? Will my feelings somehow affect this little life, now or in the future? These are the thoughts that make me feel alone. I have so many dear friends in my life who have experienced miscarriage, and yet these thoughts are unique to the loss of a twin.
The only way to combat these dark thoughts is to go to the truth. I may not be able to change my feelings immediately, but I’m hoping if I focus on the truths that God has given that knowledge will slowly help my heart heal.
“‘I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.’ And he worshiped the Lord there.” 1 Samuel 1:27
This story never ceases to amaze me. Hannah, barren for years, is finally blessed with a child. She turns around, and giving thanks to God, gives her only son Samuel to live apart from her with the priest Eli. I wonder at what emotions she felt as she made this decision. Samuel was not dead, but he still would no longer grow up under her roof. She would no longer be able to kiss his cheek while he slept or hear his laugh as he played. Was she sad? Did she mourn the loss of what could have been? The Bible doesn’t tell us. What it does tell us is that immediately after she gives her only child to God, she prays. This prayer lasts for 10 verses and is full of praise of the Lord. May I learn from her example and continue to praise God. I prayed for a child. God granted me two children to love. One of those children is already in His arms. What if I could change my thoughts to mirror this verse. God, I prayed for these children. You gave them to me. I give them both back to You. One to hold now, and one for me to hold and teach about You as she grows. I know that You love them both far more than I ever could.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
God knit all of my babies together inside me. He wrote each of their days before I even knew of they existed. He created them all for a purpose. My sweet baby in heaven was created on purpose. Though I mourn the loss of that little life, I still have a baby being knit together inside of me. She is fearfully and wonderfully made.
“Jesus said ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’ When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.” Matthew 19:14
Oh how precious these words are to a mama’s heart. Jesus welcomed children. He wanted to touch them and bless them. This glimpse into the Father’s heart brings me peace. I picture Him holding my baby in heaven and what a beautiful picture that is. So as I prepare my heart to welcome my growing baby girl, I can rest in the assurance that He is holding the child I can’t.
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am.” John 14:1-4
This is the truth I cling to when I feel my deepest sadness. No, I will never get to kiss that baby’s cheeks or watch that baby grow up here on Earth. But I can trust in the word of God that He has prepared space for all of His children up in heaven. I will get to meet my baby someday in the most glorious place. The ache in my heart as I wait for that time just reminds me that this earth is not my true home.
What words of truth speak to your heart?